Sempre tive medo de ouvir a história dos meus pais. Do pouco que eu sei, ela nunca foi fácil. Para nenhum dos dois.
Toda vez que alguém puxava o assunto em casa ou que, sem querer, lembrava de algum detalhe, meu coração se enchia de tristeza.
Foram tempos difíceis. Eram tempos muito diferentes. E hoje, pensando sobre isso, acho que os dois só sobreviveram porque tiveram um pouco de amor. Não um amor declarado, nem completo. Um amor possível. Desses que a gente precisa procurar muito porque não deixa muitos sinais. Desses que a gente precisa “cavar” bastante para encontrar, como fresta de luz no meio da escuridão.
Meu pai sofreu mais. Sofreu muito. E isso fez com que ele tivesse muita dificuldade de aceitar o amor, de entender o quanto foi bem cuidado desde que conheceu a minha mãe.
Antes de ele ir embora, perguntei para minha mãe que idade meu pai tinha quando os dois se casaram. Descobri que ele só soube o que era ter “uma casa de tijolos” aos 23 anos. Apesar disso, não sei se algum dia sentiu que havia encontrado um lar. Se entendeu que havia construído uma família que o amava (e sempre vai amar) e que se orgulhava tanto dele. De cada pequena coisa que ele sabia e fazia tão bem.
Meu pai não era perfeito. Longe disso. Em algumas fases da nossa vida, nos fez sofrer demais e, há algumas semanas, descobri também que, apesar de ter sido mal tratado desde criança pelo meu avô, curiosamente, a época em que mais foi infeliz foi quando ele morreu.
Entendi que sofreu tanto nessa fase porque nunca teve a chance de conquistar (ou de sentir) o amor paterno. Nunca ouviu do meu avô sequer um conselho e, quando sonhava conquistar um pouco disso, viu suas esperanças serem assassinadas junto com alguém que devia ter sido amoroso com ele desde o primeiro dia, mas nunca o fez.
No dia 05 maio, completamos três meses sem o meu pai e tentei muito não pensar nisso. Tentei não me lembrar do quanto ele foi infeliz até nos conhecer. Tentei não sofrer por tudo o que ele não teve, mas não consegui…
Talvez eu nunca consiga apagar esses rastros ruins da minha memória. Sei que nem devia tentar fazer isso. São parte da minha história. Uma história que, por muito tempo, eu não quis conhecer para não sofrer. Para ter forças para criar a minha, de um jeito diferente. Mas, descobri que não posso ignorar nada e que, apesar do medo que sinto, preciso ter coragem de visitar o passado dos meus pais e dos meus avós. Mereço entender porque estou me tornando o que sou e meus filhos merecem saber de onde vieram, mesmo que não seja fácil encarar certas coisas.
Falei com o Miguel sobre isso hoje. Disse,que gostaria que ele passasse mais tempo com as avós e com o avô que ainda tem. Falei isso porque ele me perguntou “o que acontece, de verdade depois que a gente morre?”. Respondi que ninguém sabe de verdade. Ele insistiu dizendo que queria saber o que acontece com o nosso corpo, para onde ele vai e o que acontece depois. Contei que a gente “dorme”, que nosso corpo para de respirar e que “as luzes se apagam dentro da gente”. Ele disse: “mas quero saber como é sentir isso! Como vai ser?”. O Zé conclui dizendo: “você não vai sentir, nem se lembrar. É como antes de você existir, antes de você ser bebê. Você se lembra disso? De ser bebê?”. Ele sacudiu a cabeça dizendo “não” e, de fato, não entendeu muito bem. Mais tarde, quis voltar ao assunto e eu disse que existe um lugar para onde as pessoas vão quando morrem (expliquei sobre o cemitério e a cremação) e, para que isso não soasse tão pesado, expliquei que morrer também é ser esquecido. Que junto com as pessoas que se vão, morre também uma parte da nossa história. De quem a gente foi, do que a gente gostava e, por isso, é importante que ele aproveite mais as avós. Saiba quem elas são, porque isso é parte da história dele também. Ao dizer essas coisas, me dei conta de que precisava fazer o mesmo.
Não sei quanto tempo tenho, mas quero seguir meu próprio conselho e aproveitar ao máximo a presença de quem eu amo. Quero voltar ao meu passado mais vezes. Espero ir devagar, não saber tudo de uma vez, mas ter coragem de ouvir e processar.
Quero conhecer melhor a minha mãe. Entender como ela se tornou essa pessoa tão sensata, organizada e resiliente. Quero descobrir quem foi a minha avó e que tipo de amor soube dar. Até hoje, só sei que costumava chamar a minha mãe de “minha rosa”, o que era bem curioso para quem viveu uma vida cheia de espinhos.
Ao pensar nisso tudo, entendi que sou uma pessoa forte. Uma pessoa forte que, por alguma razão, veio dentro de uma embalagem frágil. Sempre fui julgada por esse exterior e sempre lutei para que ele não me definisse.
Descobri que sempre fui forte, desde criança. Não era uma força de saber o que a vida me reservava. Tão pouco de ter todas as respostas e sim, uma força de saber que, não importava o que acontecesse, eu iria conseguir. Ia realizar tudo aquilo que eu sonhasse. E não precisaria de muito para isso. Com saúde, o amor de Deus e a minha família por perto, eu iria longe. Estou indo. Dentro da minha própria definição de sucesso, me tornei gigante! A Chris disse isso sobre nós, acho que no velório do meu pai e entendo agora. Aceito agora. Não me importa o que os outros vejam ou como definam o que me tornei. Eu me tenho. Eu me sei. E eu me amo. Devo tudo isso à vida que vivi. Ao passado dos meus pais. Ao que herdei deles. Devo tudo isso às faltas que superei e que eles superaram por mim e por minhas irmãs. Essa é a importância dos pais: eles são nossa raiz. E raiz é de onde vem a força que faz tudo brotar.
Obrigada, pai. Obrigada, mãe. Vocês me trouxeram até aqui. Agora podem deixar que levo vocês. Pelas mãos. No coração. Para os quatro cantos da casa. Por cada lembrança bonita que vocês construíram. Para outras gerações. Para onde mais eu conseguir caminhar.
Christiane e Liliane Coelho são irmãs gêmeas. Uma é fotógrafa com alma de escritora. A outra, redatora criativa que está realizando o sonho de escrever seu primeiro livro. 
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