O desafio de fotografar a mim mesma
Hoje a @lilianecoelho_ me desafiou mais uma vez.
Ela é boa nisso. Não manda. Mas é como se fosse.
As palavras vêm sempre com uma justificativa, antes que eu peça. E elas me fazem pensar. E me convencem.
Ela já me disse que até que ela aprenda a fotografar, todas as fotos que eu mostrar de mim mesma precisam ser minhas.
Mas este não era o desafio. Ela queria uma preto e branco. Nova. Para hoje. E no feed.
Fiquei pensando porque toda vez que uma vêm parar aqui, tenho até dor de estômago. Que coisa é essa? Sou reservada. Isso não é novidade, mas também sou corajosa.
Por que ainda é difícil para nós duas termos fotos nossas expostas além de nossas próprias casas?
Daí me lembrei de um dia que nossa mãe nos levou num lugar que tirava fotos.
Era um homem, e não devia ser muito jovem. Lembro da voz. De ser alguém preciso, mas com um certo carinho nas ordens.
A gente estava vestida de roupa igual, mas com cores diferentes. Estávamos tristes.
Nossa mãe tinha cortado nosso cabelo igual dos meninos. Tinha nos avisado que se a gente tivesse piolhos mais uma vez, ela faria isso. E fez. A gente não conseguia ficar longe da Divina, nossa vizinha da frente. E ela tinha.
Chegamos depois de caminhar bastante, e nós duas indo na frente. Ela falava muito. Como sempre. Falar para ela é se organizar por dentro. E entendi isso.
Então, a Li se sentou primeiro num banquinho do lugar, e o moço fez a foto dela. Não estava feliz. Mas ela sempre fica linda nas fotos. E era minha vez.
Eu sentei, ele pediu que eu arrumasse a postura. Mas foi muito rápido. Não mexeu no meu cabelo, nem pediu que eu ajeitasse a cabeça. E fez um “click” na câmera dizendo que estava pronto.
Não demorou muito até nossa mãe trazer as fotografias em um envelope pequeno e de plástico. Eram 3×4.
Ela entregou para gente e eu olhei. Vi a Li, mas não me vi. Então ela insistiu que um dos lados do envelope eram de mim. E eu dizia que não. Eu não era a Li. Fiquei brava, repetindo várias vezes “não sou eu”. Não era eu.
Me dei conta de uma prova que a convenceria: as cores das roupas eram iguais. E não tínhamos ido iguais.
Ela sorriu, achando graça da minha indignação e não quis explicar. Não pôde.
Ela não queria dizer que eram tempos difíceis demais e que ela só tinha como pagar por um kit de fotos. Não sei o que entendi sem aquela resposta. Mas um dia, somando todas as outras experiências ruins que tive ao ser fotografada, deduzi que elas não eram para mim.
Parece bobo. Mas não é.
Tenho cruzado na vida com gente demais que não se olha, e não se percebe, porque alguém um dia fez com que se sentisse invisível.E não somos.
Ninguém é.
Nesses dias todos tenho aprendido pequenas coisas.
Às vezes tão pequenas que só percebo quando alguém me diz “isso que você tá fazendo tá legal”. “Você tá diferente”.
Posso dizer que cada foto aqui é uma vitória.
Um tipo de exorcismo, se é que essa palavra se aplica. Mas para mim, sim.
E não é porque não me gosto. É porque sempre achei que esse privilégio só poderia ser guardado. E sempre foi.
Se você também já sentiu que a fotografia é algo que te invade, e às vezes até machuca, não desista.
Nem dela nem de todas as outras coisas que te dão medo.
Quando dói é para onde a gente precisa ir.
Mesmo que bem devagarinho.
Christiane e Liliane Coelho são irmãs gêmeas. Uma é fotógrafa com alma de escritora. A outra, redatora criativa que está realizando o sonho de escrever seu primeiro livro. 
Português do Brasil 
Português
Onde mesmo que eu deposito o valor da terapia? Que riqueza ler e ver você e vocês. Aqui e lá e em todo lugar, igual os Beatles cantaram, rs.
<3
ô Ana… ainda não me acostumei a procurar comentários por aqui. Que bom que você chega no site. e obrigada por deixar palavras lindas e diferentes nos dois lugares. Coisa boa ter você mais perto de mim nesse isolamento. 🙂
Que lindo! Que corajoso! Parabéns, você é especial!
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